My Life is Awkward: Eating

My life is awkward, really awkward. Two weeks ago, on a train, this Indian guy let out the largest fart I have ever heard. I had a front row seat to the most incomprehensible loudest B-movie comedy fart in the history of the large intestine. Of course everyone knew who it was, but of course everyone acted like nothing happened. Awkward.

It's not like I seek these things out. They just happen to find me. Is there some giant magnet that attracts awkward situations lodged somewhere in my body? I guess you have to just laugh it off. That's what I did. At least it didn't smell. If it had, I'm sure I would have found myself thinking: "What did that guy eat?" Eating, that's where it all started.

It's funny, eating. You have to eat to live, yet so many people are afraid of others seeing them do it. I never really thought of it as awkward until a few months into our relationship my girlfriend revealed to me that she scared of eating in front of me.

"I used to be hungry all the time," she said. "When we'd go out I would hardly eat anything. As soon as you left I'd go stuff my face."

Is it really that bad? Well, luckily, her fear only lasted a few weeks. Once we were more comfortable with each other, she had no problem stuffing her face in front of me - in the most elegantly feminine fashion of course.

But there are people that truly are afraid of eating. It's called Phagophobia. It's a fear of eating, swallowing or being eaten. There's also a thing called Sitophobia, which is an aversion to food.

But what about those who aren't afraid of eating? Obviously prevalent as obesity has been named as one of the world's biggest health threats. Here's something interesting. There's a biological disorder where you physically will not be full from eating. A person suffering from the disorder is kept under constant surveillance otherwise they will literally eat themselves to death. It's such a strange condition that it was featured on an episode of CSI:.

But what's the worst that can happen when it comes to eating? You put stuff in your mouth and swallow. Pretty simple, right? Wrong. Behold the Chinese buffet.

When I was in high school we used to have competitions to see who could eat the most plates of food. Lucky for us we all still high metabolisms because I'm pretty sure that we would consume a week's worth of calories during one competition.

Perhaps one of the most awkward places you can willingly submit yourself is a buffet. Here common cordiality is thrown to the wind. Even the most timid revert to their animal instincts and engulf themselves in gluttony. Not a good place to go on a first date. Especially if you're like my girlfriend and don't like when people watch you eat. But isn't that what makes the buffet fun?

There's always that mean fat guy in the corner who's been there for who knows how long. Sometimes I start feeling a bit Phagophobic myself. Watch out or you may lose a limb.

If you look at it from his point of view though, he's a genius. Why let the tab stack of at a normal restaurant, when you can pay $10 and eat until you can't anymore. But then I feel bad for the waitress. She has to haul all the crap back and forth for hours. All for what? A dollar tip. Bad show, gluttony, bad show.

What are you supposed to tip in a buffet anyway? It's not like they take your order and present the food as a server would in a normal restaurant. All they do is take away you pile of plates when the stack starts leaning. Not really worth the 15% tip.

According to Dear Abby, you're supposed to give 10%. Not bad considering most of these places are $10 all you can eat. But if you're like me - the new and improved, not eating 10 plates of food me - eating at a buffet is no different than eating at a food court. You don't leave a few bills on the table for the janitor to pick up.

To remove the awkwardness I suggest a sliding scale. Those who stop in for a quick plate of delicious fatty food should leave some change, just because the server brought a drink. Those who eat more pay more. I suggest a tip rate based on the number of plates you consume.

There are other elements though. That family with the annoying kids who are running all over the place yelling and screaming - they should be ejected from the restaurant. Alright, so no one's really gonna kick them out, but they should give a bigger tip. And it wouldn't hurt if they slid a few bucks to all the people who had to listen to their screaming kids too.

Tying up the Chinese buffet I leave you with an awkward thought to ponder. You always eat something that doesn't agree with you at the buffet. So what next? What if it hits you halfway home and you're stuck in traffic? What if you're over at a friends house when it hits you? Or a church? Or a meeting? What are you gonna do?

Awkward.